No Better Time Than Now

Let me just start with “I’m not a doctor”. I’m just a regular Jill living with bipolar 2 and anxiety (and the list goes on) who is sick of taking a back seat to my own treatment. I must also confess, I am currently taking a combination of drugs that work for ME (not for everyone) so yes, I’m already fighting the battle by helping my brain with prescription drugs. I have a very strong opinion that I’d rather have down days and need to hide at home sometimes than be over drugged and feel numb (and overly dizzy and at a loss for words as one of my meds makes me). So, instead of increasing my dose, I need something else. Sure, I am worlds better than if I was on no meds at all. I absolutely know that. And I also know that there is a high likelihood that increasing doses may bring me even closer to what maybe I’d consider normal. But again, side effects and going through each day feeling nothing isn’t for me. So, what do I do? I stop letting life just happen to me and stop with the “good enough “ attitude. I look around and see people who can easily go through their day and somehow

truly mean it when they say they’re good. Sure, it’s all relative, and I guess I mean it when I say I’m good, because my bad is hiding in a room and spending days doing nothing but Gardenscapes on my phone (add some forensic files in there). But my idea of good is not feeling overwhelmed by people and things. Not procrastinating on tasks until the point where my job could be at risk. Truly wanting to spend time with the people around me. Not because I have to, but because it brings me joy. Looking at the precious moments with my boys and thinking how much I truly appreciate each of those moments, and not just thinking how I wish I could appreciate them as much as I know I should.

I get glimpses of this every once in a while. I’m sure every depressed person does. And I certainly feel the happiness and appreciation far more now than when I hadn’t found my ideal drug combinations. But looking at my life, which I know many would consider perfect, I just can’t appreciate it all the way I want to and know I should.

To improve this it’s critical that I take control of my path forward and not accept that it’s all “good enough “. Instead, my rational engineering brain knows that there are LOADS of things I could do to bridge the gap between where I am now and where I know I could be. Just google depression and you’ll see an endless list of how you can improve symptoms. Meds and therapy are on that list, no doubt, but there are repeating themes of actions you can take for yourself to incrementally improve the symptoms you feel. I am NOT saying that you should do these things and forget about meds and therapy, and for me, these lists of actions would NEVER be

enough, and I’ve accepted that I will be on some combination of drugs for the rest of my life. And hey, that’s just fine. But what if I could be better??

As I said, I’ve seen glimpses of this vague “better” I speak of. And wouldn’t you know, it often correlates to something in my life that relates to these strategies being shoved down our throats on the internet.

I remember back several years ago to a time when I started reading about the link between your gut and endless negative symptoms and illnesses that we face today, especially in the US. I decided to try eating whole foods for a bit and see what it does. I wasn’t necessarily thinking depression would improve, but I had some hopes for my anxiety. Within weeks I could see and feel the difference. I was able to do normal things with confidence, and the increased energy I had made its way into every aspect of my life. True to a depressed persons form though. I stopped. We tend to do that.

Back to the vast knowledge out there on the magical internet. Google depression and anxiety. Do you know what the first thing that comes up every time is??? I’ll give you one guess… diet and exercise. Shocked? Probably not. And this is true for so many other illnesses and symptoms but most would rather just take a pill and go on their merry way. I’m not going to place judgement. I actually work in the pharmaceutical industry, so

I’m definitely not going to point any fingers there. And again, pills are my friend and they fix my brain so I like them very much. But you have to figure that the endless hits on Google must have some truth behind them, right? And going with my short anecdotal evidence a few years back, food and exercise may just get me closer to the world of normal that I desire.

I'd like to welcome you on my (rocky) journey to see if I can do the impossible for a depressed, anxious, OCD gal and force myself to do better. Wake up every day and just try to do better. I know what will help, but doing it always seems impossible. But maybe, just maybe, if one of you out there is reading this, it'll force me to be accountable and see just how normal I can be.

I'm sitting here eating ice cream (sugar, dairy), feeling gross, saying this is the day. This is the day that I take more control than the quarterly appointment with my psychiatrist to say "yes, refill that prescription". Want to accompany me?